Got a job offer for a Pastor position in a new city? What’s the best way to address it with your children? While there is no “one size fits all” solution to this difficult conversation, there are certainly a few great places to start!
First steps: prepare your own heart and find the right time to address everything.
Your children will look to you for security and stability, if you are grounded, honest, and optimistic about the coming change, they are more likely to be open to it
To make this conversation feel safe and family-centric, be sure to choose a time where everyone is together and there are minimal distractions. Additionally, try to avoid times where there may be an event or conflict later, you don’t want this conversation to feel rushed or on a time limit.
Decision making: Will you allow your children to contribute to the final decision or is everything already set in stone?
Approach 1: kids have a voice
If you want to give your children the choice to contribute, let them voice their opinions and thoughts and listen intently.
If you make it clear your children have their own power in making the decision, be sure you’re willing to follow up on that promise, regardless of their decision. Give them all the appropriate information and genuinely involve them.
Approach 2: set in stone
If the offer of a position has already been accepted and the plans have already been made you should approach the beginning of this conversation differently.
Make it clear that the decision has already been made, but that you are ready to answer any questions they have and clear up any concerns.
Find “the win” for each specific child- what are their interests and how can this new opportunity appeal to them?es aren’t always loud or obvious, but they shape the daily experience of ministry.
Age is a factor, but so is experience: How old are your children and how long have they been familiar with their current environment? Have they experienced change like this before?
Approach 1: younger children
Keep it concrete, they’ll need more simple explanations and reassurances. Comfort them with what will remain constant in their life.
Younger children thrive on routine, familiarity, and physical presence. The unknown can feel big and scary, and they might feel confused, anxious about the change, or worried about separation. Use this conversation to ease some of these fears. You’ll want to offer reassurance, simple explanations, and lots of affection.
Quick Tips: Use visual aids like pictures of your new city, maps, or even storybooks. Make it playful like playing a pretend game of packing up or drawing pictures of the new house. Help them say their goodbyes to their favorite places and people, and give them a “goodbye bag” of keepsakes of their choosing. Most importantly, try to keep current routines as stable as possible to ease the transition. e than usual.
Approach 2: older children
Focus on autonomy, empathy, and belonging with your pre-teens and teens. This change will feel much more monumental to them.
Pre-teens and teens are more socially aware and emotionally complex. They’re building identity and independence, so moves can feel like major upheavals—especially if friendships, school, or sports are disrupted. They might feel angry or resentful, isolated, anxious, and may even be grieving what they’ll have to leave behind. Use this conversation as a time to acknowledge the loss and be honest about your own fears, don’t rush to make it “positive” right away.
Quick Tips: Make it a two way conversation by asking open-ended questions and letting them express their thoughts and feelings. Highlight what isn’t going to change, children value consistency, regardless of their age. Share why you believe God is calling you to make this change, at this age children can better understand purpose and mission. Invite them to participate in the process by involving them in things like decorating their future room, researching extracurriculars they could join in their new hometown, or hosting a goodbye party with their friends. Most importantly, give them hope for the new opportunities awaiting them in the future, find ways to get them excited.
Bonus Approach: If this is not the first time you and your family have moved due to a change in employment or circumstance, you should approach this conversation differently.
Regardless of the age you have to find the win for your kids. A sport team, an industry, a special preview trip, helping choose a house. How can you get your kids integrated before the move?
Think ahead: Think about how you might expect your children will react to the change, and go from there.
Optimistic
Lean into it, but don’t assume the positive mindset will last forever:
Affirm their courage and excitement: “I love how you’re looking forward to the new things. That’s a gift.”
Help them think realistically while keeping hope: “It’s okay if it’s hard sometimes too. We’ll figure it out together.”
Involve them as an encourager for siblings (gently): “Your excitement might really help your brother when he’s feeling unsure.”
Angry
Anger may cover sadness, fear, or feeling powerless. Respond calmly and don’t take it personally.
Stay calm and present: “I can tell this is really upsetting you. I want to understand what you’re feeling.”
Offer empathy without correcting right away: “You didn’t ask for this, and it’s normal to feel angry and upset.”
Sad
Sadness often means they’re grieving relationships, routine, or a place that has meaning to them.
Acknowledge the loss: “It’s really hard to say goodbye to people and places we love.”
Make room for grief: “It’s okay to cry or feel down. I feel some of that too.”
Offer ways to remember and stay connected: “Let’s take pictures of your room before we pack it. Want to make a scrapbook of your favorite memories?”
Talk about ways they can build new joy: “You won’t replace your old friends, but you can make more. We’ll help you do that.”
Scared
Fear often comes from uncertainty. Focus on giving them safety, information, and control where possible.
Validate their feelings: “It’s totally okay to feel nervous. A lot of grownups feel that way with big changes too.”
Give concrete reassurances: “You’ll still get to FaceTime your friends. We’ll visit your grandparents during the holidays. I’ll be there every night for bedtime, just like always.”
Offer involvement: “Do you want to help us look at pictures of the new house or town? That might make it less scary.”
Always remember to meet them where they are in their feelings!
Rapid fire tips!
Find the fun
Research what your new hometown is known for, find things that will spark the interest of your children and/or are related to your children’s interests.
Look into local sports teams, activities, attractions, etc. Consider buying tickets to the local zoo, museums, or sports games!
Reassure them of their constants
Help your children find stability in the things that will stay the same (“We’ll still have family dinners”, “We’ll still visit grandma over Christmas”, etc.)
Acknowledge their feelings
Let them know it’s normal to be upset, scared, sad, angry, all the things!
Encourage honesty and be honest to them about your own feelings
Involve them in the process
Large or small, try to involve your children in the process of making changes, whether it’s designing their new bedroom, planning goodbye parties, etc.
Help it feel like this move is something they are a part of rather than something that is happening to them
Explain the Spirituality of the Decision!
Tell your children the truth about what you feel God is calling you to do
Reassure them of God’s plan for them and their own lives
It doesn’t end here: You may have shared the news, but this was just the start.
Leave the initial conversation open-ended and be sure to make it clear that this was not just a one-time talk. Revisit the topic, especially as moving day approaches, continue your reassurances and always be open to answering questions.
There may seem to be an endless amount of ways to approach an important conversation like this, don’t get overwhelmed by all the noise. You and your family will find your own path through this, trust in the Lord and ask him to guide your heart. His plan is good and his path is right, he will always be the one to lean on when you need guidance. Always reassure your children that no matter what changes may be going on, your family will always love each other and be there for one another, even when the future seems uncertain.
