There is a difference between a predator and a wolf. A predator may come from anywhere. But the Bible gives a special warning about wolves—namely, church leaders who look the part but are dangerous. Matthew records this warning from Jesus: “Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.”
Wolves are inclined to do as much damage to the church as possible. The carnage may come in the form of false teaching or bad doctrine. But it can also take the form of abuse. Wolves are “disguised as harmless” and often go undetected. How can you recognize them? Look for the fruit—watch the way they act. Do they exhibit entitlement, superiority, duplicity, justification, and manipulation?
Recognizing Where Abuse Begins
Abuse originates in how victimizers view others. At some level they believe other people exist to fulfill their desires. People who take advantage of others place themselves at the center and try to control the orbits of vulnerable people around them. Victimizers are not necessarily brash or overpowering. They may be sensitive, subdued, and even charming. Many abusers have likable personalities. So what are some warning signs to watch for?
Entitlement: “I deserve your attention.” When abusers fail to get someone’s attention, they will penalize the other person through aggressive tactics such as yelling, name-calling, throwing objects, or worse. They believe their time is more valuable than someone else’s. This mindset creates agitation when they don’t receive the time and attention they desire or think they deserve.
Superiority: “I am always right.” Abusers believe their feelings and opinions are more important than someone else’s. And may manipulate, coerce, or demand others to see things the same way. You rarely hear abusers admit to being wrong, and they offer insincere apologies, if any at all. It’s always “I’m sorry, but . . . I’m sorry if . . . I’m sorry, however . . .” Such statements aren’t apologies; they are posturing to assert superiority over someone else.
Duplicity: “I do not need to follow the rules.” When abusers have formal authority, they create rules for their subordinates but not themselves. They enforce standards on everyone else to make themselves feel superior. For example, a senior pastor might require a camera in everyone’s office but his own. Or he may mandate computer tracking software for other staff members but not himself.
Justification: “My anger is warranted.” There are times when it’s appropriate to be angry. In the face of injustice, unfairness, or duplicity. But abusers don’t get angry when someone else experiences injustice. Instead, their rage comes to a boil when their own desires, demands, or expectations are unmet. It’s a selfish form of anger. Often, abusers have “lonely anger,” meaning no one else shares their feelings. As such, victimizers feel the need to justify their anger. They force people to agree with them to validate their own feelings.
Manipulation: “Your questions attack me.” Gaslighting is a classic method of manipulation that attempts to make other people doubt their own perceptions or experiences in favor of the abuser’s perspective. The goal of gaslighting is to gain power and control over someone else. When questioned, victimizers often use gaslighting to get others to doubt themselves.
Most people, myself included, have used one or more of these tactics at one time or another. We’re sinners, after all. So don’t play gotcha games with people. We all have bad moments, days, or weeks, and at times we may resort to some of these negative behaviors. But a regular pattern of behavior that includes several of these warning signs in someone should raise concerns. Does a discernable pattern mean someone is an abuser? No, but we should be cautious, especially if the person is around vulnerable people in the church.
Suspected Abusers and Safe Church Training
What should we do about suspected abusers? One of the most difficult aspects of church safety involves people we suspect have the potential to harm someone but who have not acted out yet. Obviously, we shouldn’t be overly suspicious or wrongly accuse someone. Spreading mistrust without supporting facts is not helpful and can cause much damage. However, neglecting certain signs that raise suspicions is equally as dangerous. More than 90 percent of victims under the age of eighteen know their abuser. Is it possible that a disheveled stranger will dash into your church and snatch a child? It’s a possibility, but not likely. Almost every case of abuse in churches occurs after bonds of trust have been formed over time. Predators use trust as a tactic as much as brute force. As with any sin issue, pastors and church leaders should talk to an individual if suspicions arise. It is better to have an awkward conversation and maintain a safe environment than dismiss suspicions and experience a tragedy.
Safe Church Training is an on-demand, video-based training guide that can be used in individual ministries or with the entire church. A first-of-its-kind, comprehensive resource to equip your ministries to be a safe environment for children, students, and anyone who attends your church. With this simple-to-use resource, your church can create a safe environment where disciples of all ages are equipped to fulfill God’s calling in their lives.
This article was adapted from Make My Church Safe, published by Tyndale House.
