In Part 1 of this blog (read it here), we discussed the reality that as pastors we’re going to deal with conflict and that not all conflict is bad. It can lead to growth and stronger relationships. The most invoked Bible passage for managing conflict is Matthew 18:15-17. We discussed the scenario found in verse 15 and what to do when you’re involved with conflict. Today, I want to begin by unpacking scenario 2, what to do if you’re the intermediary in a conflict.
The intermediary. This is a very common place to find ourselves as pastors. Verse 16 says, “But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” As the intermediary, you’re responsible for managing both sides of the conflict. It’s not to pick a side. Even if one side is right, you must manage both sides so that they both feel cared for and heard, or you’ll end up with a winner and a loser. You never want to end up with a winner and a loser in conflict.
A win for you is having two winners in the conflict. Both parties should come away feeling heard, cared for and growing in their relational skills. Conflict is a teaching opportunity, not a firefighting one. It’s an opportunity to help people grow and even become closer together. If we see it as a fire, we’ll extinguish one or both parties, and the result will be hurt, not health. You must look at conflict management as an opportunity to gain ground in a person’s life. How do we do that?
Don’t go into a mediation uninformed. Meet with each party individually first. Ask questions to get to the root of the issue. Don’t try to guide them yet. Don’t try to move them in the direction you think they should go based on what you know but ask the questions.
Reminder: Our well-worded questions are not accusatory or confrontational. They are to gather facts, not make a case. They must be accompanied by listening well. I recommend taking notes. Sometimes, when you take the person through the question process, they will actually realize their part in the conflict and begin to adjust closer to the middle. And sometimes when we say things out loud, we realize it’s different than what we believe in our mind.
Ask each party what reconciliation would look like for them. If you have people coming into a conflict and they don’t know what a win is, there’s no way you’re going to
figure out what it is for them! If you have that conversation on the front end and you help them define what a win looks like, there’s a much better chance that you’re going to leave that conflict with two winners.
If they don’t know what a win looks like, you’re going to have to help them figure it out. If either party has no interest in reconciliation, you’ve got more work to do before you bring them together. Don’t bring together two parties if one party is not ready to reconcile with the other party because it will only lead to further damage. You may need to say, “I want to help you figure this out, but we need to table this because both parties need to be ready.”
Coach the person about the right language to use. Once you determine what a win looks like, it’s time to get ready for the conversation. Coach the parties before you go into the conversation. Give them the right language to use. Give them some guidelines. Talk about the issue, not the person. Stay focused. Short list. Remember, they can’t come in with a long list. The chances of a good outcome are inversely proportional to the length of the list every time. If it is absolutely necessary to handle more than one issue, make that clear up front and handle them one at a time. Be kind. There is nothing to be gained from posturing, being strong, loud, or forceful. This is not a negotiation; it’s a reconciliation. Here are some guidelines on what the meeting should look like:
Bring both parties to a neutral location. If you bring the parties to a location that feels like an advantage to one or the other, you’ve already created a hurdle that you’ve now got to overcome. Find a neutral location where you can do this.
Start the meeting by setting some ground rules. Each party will have ample time to share.
Neither party should interrupt the other. It is your job to manage the time each person has to speak and respond. You are the mediator. They won’t mediate each other.
Either party can call for a break at any time. This is very important to say because sometimes it can get tense or difficult navigating conflict, and it’s important that people know that if they get in a place where they don’t feel comfortable, heard or like they’re making progress, I can call a break.
You have the right to end the conversation if it does not seem to be heading towards ultimate reconciliation. And once you do that, the conversation is over until you call the parties back together. So when you end the conversation, they have to agree that they’re going to stop until they’re able to come back together in a place where reconciliation could happen.
Summarize each party’s position and verify that you’re correct. Before you let them talk, do a quick summary of what you understand their positions to be. Very quick –30 seconds – and give them the opportunity to correct or talk. Then you decide who will speak first based on the situation or in a neutral way by picking a number or rock-paper-scissors so it doesn’t look like you’re taking sides. Then monitor the interaction and call it out when guidelines are broken.
If either party uses emotion for leverage, if they attack instead of discussing the issue, you be the one to protect each person and refocus on the issue. If they begin to repeat themselves, there’s nothing to be gained from somebody saying over and over and over what they want because the other person is just going to feel badgered and is going to get frustrated. If somebody starts bringing up things that are not part of the current issue, you have to call it out because they need to stay focused.
After each party has shared, allow them to ask questions back and forth until you feel like each party understands the other party’s stance. Ask each of one each of them again what their idea of a win looks like, in case it’s changed. Maybe over the conversation they’ve decided a win looks different than what they thought it would look like. Ask each person whether they see a way to achieve the other person’s idea of a win. This might be where you have to stop the meeting. It might require a break so that they can think about it for a while or even a few days.
Keep asking questions, clarifying, moderating until you either reach an agreement or realize that one is not going to happen. If you reach an agreement, make sure you have each party repeat back to you what they believe the agreement is and clarify if they are not on the same page. This is very important. Again, when you say something out loud, it carries a different weight. It’s much more likely to be understood and adhered to.
Keep an eye out for the final part of this blog in the coming weeks. In it, we’ll unpack how to navigate conflicts that must be taken in front of the church.
This blog was created using content from the webinar Navigating Conflict In Our Churches.
