One of the greatest privileges we have as leaders is working with the people we lead. But one of the most frustrating aspects of leadership is also working with the people we lead because it can be difficult and complicated—especially if they push your buttons, especially if they’re different, if they’re difficult, or if they fall into a variety of other categories that can be challenging.
When you really want to be an effective leader, you have to go beyond being goal-oriented and ask the question, “How do I make people better?” How can you invest into their lives so they grab ahold of your vision and your relationship grows with intentionality?
Leaders must learn basic personality differences that exist within their churches. Not everybody is going to be like you, and that’s good. Matter of fact, you shouldn’t want everybody to be just like you!
People should be DIFFERENT, and they are. This is the beauty of the body of Christ. If we’re honest, there are certain personalities or giftings that we are attracted to. There are some that we would rather just let others take care of. But we need to be intentional and learn to lead and be involved with people we don’t normally gravitate toward. Ask them their story, listen to them, sit down with them. Don’t be threatened by someone who’s different or has a personality that grates against yours.
If you’re leading a smaller church, you probably deal with this a little bit better and with more intentionality. In a larger church, you might not be able to handle so many complex people altogether. If you can’t do it personally, you’ve got to get someone involved who will walk with them and love them until growth takes place.
Pastor, you need to know their personalities won’t CHANGE. Some are peacekeepers. Some are lecturers. Some like to be in charge and some like to hide in the shadows. Just remember that you can go farther with a variety of personalities rallied toward a common goal than you can with a lot of “yes” people around you. You need people that challenge you— not where they’re threatening you or questioning your authority but where they’re helping you think differently. I personally like that around me.
So I have a few goals that over the years I’ve shared with my leaders, and I want to share them with you today. I think that if you will follow this plan, you will see growth and progress in your church family.
- Develop an awareness of the different personalities. You need all the different personalities around you. If everyone were the same, you wouldn’t need but one person. You need people who are different, and you need to understand their personalities. There’s a variety of tests you can use for that. We use the DISC profile. That’s a good one that helps marriages. It helped my wife and I relate better and understand our different personalities. You can offer your church members tests to know who they are, to understand their strengths and their weaknesses. You will better relate afterwards, and it will help you to see what each person can excel at, what things they shouldn’t take on, what things they shouldn’t be involved in in leadership.
- Develop an appreciation for the different personalities. There are certain personalities that I can shy away from. With the DISC profile, I learned I struggle to be around people who just have a high D, which is just the driver, the bottom-line goal person. I had to learn that they are needed in certain situations, and I need to appreciate and release them to be who they are, to add value to the church or to their business. It doesn’t matter whether you personally like that type of person, you have to learn to harness their personality and use it for Kingdom advantage.
- Develop an effective plan to work with different personalities. It is so rewarding when suddenly you’re working on some area of expansion or developing another area of ministry in the church, and you can release the people with the right gifting to lead it. That is crucial for the success of the church.
- Develop a team with a variety of personalities who share a common vision and values. My church team is so different in our personalities, but yet the love and the common vision and the desire is the same. We laugh about our differences and have learned to celebrate them and not be threatened by them. We even can pick on each other now in a fun-loving way. It’s good! It causes us to appreciate each other.
The key to dealing with people who are difficult, different, and so forth is learning to read them so you can lead them. It’s not about boxing them in but understanding and celebrating them, learning what they love, learning their dreams. When someone knows you really care for them even though they’re different and maybe a little bit harder to get along with, suddenly they’re going to follow your direction. They’re going to want to be part of the answer and not just the constant thorn in your side. They may be out there personality-wise. They may be different, but the real issue is you and me. We’ve got to learn to understand them and love them. Now, if they’re always obstinate, always destructive, then we have another issue at hand. I’m just talking about someone who really wants to go forward, but they’re just different. They’re a little bit hard to understand. It’s not necessarily an issue of right and wrong; it’s learning to understand them and them learning to understand you.
Leadership is influence, and you influence them by knowing their personality (who they are), their temperament (their style, what causes them to come alive), their heart (what they love, what they like to do with their family), their relationships (what their relationships have in common), and their dreams (what they want). Then you can help them dream, help them to have faith and believe for more, help them to accomplish everything in their heart.
To get to know your different and difficult people, you need some activities that are outside the four walls of the church. What can y’all do that’s fun? What can y’all do that brings laughter? Can you eat together? Can you host each other at your homes? You don’t have to do this every week or even every month, but you have to be intentional to grow in community with this team.
Learn to do life with the people you love and lead. There’s going to be some people you talk to all night long, and it feels like five minutes; there will be some that five minutes seems like all night. If you have that second scenario with your team, you’ve got to get to work. It’s up to you to somehow see this wall brought down, difficulty brought down, difference brought down, or maybe they’re the wrong player for your team. That’s not a bad thing. Sometimes the best thing for someone is helping them find the team that they need to be a part of, but this should be a last resort. The goal should be inclusion, not separation.
There are four little sayings that I rehearse in my mind when I interact with different or difficult people:
God is good. This seems so simple, but people come to church wondering, “Does God love me? Does He really care about my situation? How do I know God cares about me?” Make sure all through your communication you’re letting them know about the goodness of God that leads to repentance.
Nothing is impossible. As ministers, we know, we believe that nothing is impossible. But most people don’t know that. Everything is possible for the one who believes, and that builds anticipation in people’s hearts. It’s so exciting when that truth comes alive, when someone knows they can bring the Spirit of God, the Word of God, into their situation. They come to church with a smile even when they’re going through trials.
Jesus’ blood paid for everything. The bank account was fully funded at the cross, and when Jesus said, “It is finished,” He meant it! He endured the cross for our healing, and people come to church in need of healing. They’ve got to know that the blood of Jesus has paid for that. What about the crown of thorns on His head? All the mental oppression, depression, confusion, He bled for that healing as well. He died of broken heart. How many people come in week after week with a broken heart? If you can keep those things in front of you, you won’t react to their personalities. You will remember that they need the blood of Jesus to touch them.
Every person is significant. Jesus knew the disciples were going to run the night He was taken captive, yet He still washed their feet. He forgave them. He even forgave the soldiers for what they did. He bowed low. I try to look out into our congregation and see who seems to be the most insignificant at that service. Then I go talk to them. It does something for me, and I learned that as I do that, it brings tears to their eyes. Why? Because then they know they are significant to us and to God.
Pastor, what causes you to react to various personalities? Learn to recognize them. If you can learn your weak spots in dealing with the difficult and the different and start making it a point of prayer, God will change you so don’t react and you’re willing to help them become better. Recognize those points in your life. I’ve had to do that, and it’s helped me. I don’t pass my test perfectly every time, but I’m doing better! I know you will too. It’s all about surrendering your humanity and the things you like or don’t like in others to God. Recognize others’ significance in His eyes and learn to communicate and work with and build relationship with those you are not like you. God has placed a gift inside them that will bless and benefit not only your church but you as well!
This blog was created using content from the webinar Learning to Love and Lead the Different, the Difficult, and Everyone Else.
