Last night I stayed late in the office to take an appointment with a young couple in my church who are getting married soon. Over the years I have met with dozens of couples looking to tie the knot and live happily ever after. The young couple I met with impressed me. They desired a traditional wedding in the church and they were making really good choices on financial matters. It occurred to me that this was a rarity! When I finished our appointment last night it made me reflect on how weddings have changed over the 30 years I’ve been doing them.
There are less couples getting married today and when they do get married they are more likely to get married outside the church. I don’t have official numbers but it is very evident that most people nowadays prefer to get married at a wedding venue or event center. Judges or civil servants have replaced pastors as the officiant. Many couples are delaying marriage into their late 20’s or 30’s. And even in the church regardless of Biblical and pastoral wisdom couples tend to live together in lieu of getting married.
I don’t want to take that information and beat a religious drum of how bad our culture is. But I do want to reflect on it and perhaps learn from it and maybe you could too.
When we read the Scriptures we see that God places a very high value on marriage. It is a holy and binding covenant. It involves every aspect of our being and life on earth. It is the sacred atmosphere to create and nurture human life—life that is created in the image and likeness of God Almighty Himself. Marriage is the joining of two souls into one. It’s interesting to note that in Scripture the devil did not show up until there was a house to divide.
So back to wedding culture. Each generation has their own styles and preferences for the ceremony. 30 years ago there was the unity candle. That got replaced with unity sand. And then the sand got replaced with braiding a rope or some other creative way of expressing the union of two people. There have been different wedding songs, colors and styles of bridesmaid dresses, the throwing of rice transitioning to birdseed and so many other changes of style. The thing I would want people to know is that whether you use a flower girl or a family pet to march down the aisle—marriage is a sacred covenant between two people and God. And every married person will stand in account before God for how they treated their spouse and how the held their marriage vows as holy.
So in our changing culture how does the church stay relevant in terms of holy matrimony?
First, we need to make sure we are modeling healthy marriages. There are some in our nation that have rejected traditional marriages because they saw the marriage of a church leader that was less than stellar. In their minds if that is the best marriage can get then why try. If anyone’s marriage should be thriving it ought to be God’s leaders! If your marriage is less than a 9 out of 10 I would highly recommend getting before God immediately and get an action plan from the Holy Spirit to make that covenant relationship the highest priority second only to your relationship with God.
Second, we need to preach God’s Word on marriage. And I believe this does mean lovingly bringing correction to God’s people who are living out of bounds of the Word of God. Remember, pastor’s are not life coaches or motivational speakers. Pastors are God’s shepherds. Shepherds are to protect the sheep. When people are violating God’s sacred texts on marriage whether intentionally or in ignorance—the shepherds need to speak up.
Third, I encourage pastors and churches to do regular marriage ministry. Having special “Marriage Encounter Weekends” or a one night marriage refresher class can really help people. Marriage is an excellent topic for a small group. Most people were never taught basic principles of communication and finance that cause so many problems in marriage. A little teaching will go a long way!
Fourth, celebrate the marriages in your church. Give special recognition to couples hitting key milestones such as a 50 year anniversary. Couples that have made it more than 35 years are special. Every so often take a moment in a service to publicly recognize these people.
And lastly, always extend grace. I have found that more often than not couples don’t do everything right. Sometimes they sin. Sometimes they are selfish. Sometimes they live their lives outside of God’s priorities. Sometimes they come to a minister for counsel and then reject that counsel and then make a bigger mess than they were already in. What do we do in those cases? Where sin abounds grace abounds more. We extend grace and love. I have ministered to some couples for years and felt like I would never see a breakthrough. And I have seen a few of those couples end in divorce in spite of giving every bit of help and prayer I could give. But I have also seen couples get their breakthrough. And when I see a marriage that was a 2 go to a 9 out of 10—I can’t help but to thank the Lord for calling me to ministry and allowing me to be part of that miracle!
In closing marriage is holy. It is God’s idea and plan from the beginning. Our society is very confused about marriage for so many reasons. If there was ever a time the church ought to speak the truth in love it is now.
Pastor Matt Nichols
