October, a month often dedicated to celebrating pastors, also offers a unique opportunity to acknowledge the invaluable role of their wives. As a pastor’s wife for nearly two decades, I’ve experienced the incredible privilege of witnessing God’s work firsthand. Yet, this privileged position also comes with its share of challenges, including betrayal, loneliness, and even a sense of spiritual warfare.
The term “church hurt” encapsulates the painful experiences that individuals can encounter within a church setting. For pastor’s wives, who are often expected to serve, encourage, and lead, the wounds inflicted can be particularly deep. These experiences, often kept hidden, contribute to the loneliness and discouragement many face during difficult seasons of ministry.
The Invisible Ache
Church hurt for pastor’s wives can manifest in countless ways, often leaving us feeling isolated, undervalued, and betrayed. I’ve personally experienced being ignored, uninvited, talked about behind my back, and constantly feeling like I had to be the bigger person. The sorrow I’ve carried is deep, but it’s also led to a more intimate and profound relationship with Jesus.
Mirroring What We Experience of Jesus
One of the most painful experiences I’ve faced as a pastor’s wife was when a longtime member and friend unexpectedly left our church. Through a series of misunderstandings and unspoken words, it felt like we’d been dropped. The pain was intense, and I questioned everything. I cried out to God, pleading for His intervention, but the situation didn’t unfold as I had hoped. In moments of pain and confusion, the Bible has been my anchor, and even in the midst of pain, God is working redemptively and has a purpose in the journey.
Church Hurt Forces Me to Practice What I Preach
The “one another” passages in Scripture apply to us as well. We can’t bear with one another if we isolate them. We can’t love those who slander us if we respond with harsh words or passive-aggressive behavior. In our hurt, we have the chance to live out the gospel we preach. Just as I need grace, I must extend it to others. Instead of being quick to speak, I must listen, understand, and seek to be right with God rather than with people. I fear that our experiences can lead us to believe God is only for “us” and needs to deal with “them,” but in reality, He’s coming after all of us.
To gain insights into overcoming church hurt, I reached out to pastor’s wives from diverse backgrounds. Their wisdom and experiences offer valuable guidance for those navigating similar challenges. I hope as you read their words you feel seen and know that you aren’t alone in this journey.
Support and Community:
- “I think ensuring you have some kind of support of community outside of the church… This has been immensely helpful to us.”
- “We need to be willing to seek help personally… either with a trusted mentor and/or through counseling.”
- “Best advice I was given was to be like a sponge or a rubber ball. Soak up the love and encouragement when it happens and let all the negativity bounce like a rubber ball.”
- “We need to be willing to seek help personally in order to have a safe place to process hard seasons of ministry, hurtful relationships, unkind words & actions directed towards us, etc. either with a trusted mentor and/or through counseling.”
Perspective and Forgiveness:
- “Don’t blame the church as a whole when a few people hurt you.”
- “In all of our cases of hurt there have been deeper issues. Choosing to pray for those who have hurt us and love them has been hard but worth it.”
- “Try to take absolutely nothing personal. After all, the church is full of a bunch of sinners.”
- “Remind yourself to be an example…there is always someone watching who may not know Jesus…and to be like him and love and have compassion…even when (and mostly when) it’s not the easiest thing to do.”
- “The hardest lesson for me to learn as a young PW was to not expect ‘seasoned’ folks to be saintly. Age/leadership position does not always bring Christlikeness. I had some hard wake-up calls with some in these categories.”
- “Embrace the sufferings of Jesus. I know that is easy to say but when I found myself betrayed by people in the church I thought were my friends, all I had to cling to was that Jesus went before me and he knew that pain as well as anyone.”
- “Pray for them and forgive them, same advice Jesus gives us.”
- “I would say cling to the Word of God, to your Husband and family. Remember, your Husband is leading a church full of all the above and more.”
- “Sometimes you have to let people be wrong about you. God sees what’s going on. Eyes on Jesus.”
- “The church at its best is the best the world will ever get.”
- “Whatever the challenge from people, God’s spirit moving and His word advancing are still the solutions to that problem.”
- “These people in your church are made in God’s image. God loves them the same way He loves you. Keep your focus on Jesus and His love for the sinners.
Practical Tips:
- “When you go into a difficult meeting, always keep your eyes soft.”
- “Don’t force yourself or try to make yourself fit in by overdoing it.”
- “Understanding the limitations of communication and human nature.”
Church hurt is a painful reality for many pastor’s wives. It can lead to feelings of isolation, betrayal, and discouragement. However, it can also be a catalyst for personal growth and spiritual development. By turning to God’s Word, practicing forgiveness, and seeking support, we can overcome church hurt and find healing. Remember, even in the midst of pain, God is working redemptively in our lives and the lives of those around us.
