Conflict management is critical to the church and to our families. The Bible tells us it can free people from the bonds of the devil (Matthew 18:18). When we manage conflict well, we release people from the plans of the enemy in that situation. We “luo” in Greek, which means to destroy or dissolve bonds.
Psalm 133:1 says, “How good and pleasant it is whenever we dwell together in unity.” Unity is obviously more pleasant than disunity, we all know that. But when we come to the end of that Psalm, it says, “There God commands His blessing.”
Some people feel good when they win an argument. God doesn’t want us to be that way. God wants us to feel good when we’re in unity. Today, I want to share some real skills that all of us can learn and apply to managing conflict effectively. We can’t get away from conflict. Whether we want it or not, we’re going to experience it and have to deal with it. But our goal shouldn’t be to get our way. The ultimate way is the Father’s way, where our families are in unity and we are walking in a commanded blessing. I think sometimes we as evangelical-charismatic Christians have a tendency to fight morally for our opinion, standing for what we think is right in a way that makes conflict resolution difficult.
In conflict management, the people who are good at finding the middle line between control and communication are the ones who win. They’re the ones who find the unity in Psalm 133 that causes things to be pleasant and causes God to command His blessing.
Division is simply two visions that oppose one another. People see things in different ways. For us to stay in unity or to regain unity after a conflict, we must communicate and learn to follow the Lord together. We must be submitted to His will, not our own. We can’t afford to be overly controlling. We can’t afford to get hung up on others always seeing things our way or agreeing with us. The Lord is in control after all, isn’t He?
We must learn not to be overly controlling or so communicative that we lose control in conflict management. The key here as leaders is to look for that center line where we’ll feel God’s pleasure and find His blessing.
Now, some people in conflict won’t be willing to meet with you. They aren’t interested in unity. They want things their way. It’s really sad whenever this happens, but it’s common. And sometimes that forces you as a leader to make a decision in terms of the conflict without seeking a win-win with the person or people involved. This is scriptural. Jesus talked about treating these people as tax collectors or Gentiles (unbelievers). So if someone won’t meet with you, if they won’t talk, if they won’t let the biblical perspective bring you to unity, then you are to treat them like someone who doesn’t honor God or the Bible. Treat them like someone who thinks more of what would benefit them personally or how what they’re doing is justifiable. Set boundaries because they will want to control you just to get things their way. Obviously, relationship isn’t the biggest thing on these people’s minds.
It’s sad, but a lot of people will be willing to damage you to get their own way. Sometimes the right thing to do in that situation, according to the Bible, is to just submit. In Jeremiah, we can read about how the people were oppressed by Babylon, but the prophet Jeremiah told them to put up with it because the results would be worse if they rebelled. This shows us that sometimes we need to learn to smile, keep working the job we’re working right now, and keep doing good despite the fact that things aren’t fair. There will come a day when God will bless you and you won’t have to put up with that oppression anymore.
Remember, Matthew 18:18 tells us that what we bind on Earth will be bound in Heaven, and what we loose on Earth will be loosed in the heavens. We must decide if we will bind people to circumstances or loose them from what the enemy is up to.
You know, in 2010 Tamara and I spent 40 hours a week (literally) and lots of money because we wanted to be really good at managing conflict. We’ve had two seasons in our life that were difficult. One was within the church; one was outside the church. They had to do with things that were happening on the family front, and, boy, the only thing I felt when I got done was that I wish I had done it earlier: sat down for 40 hours, learned what Jesus taught about conflict management, and just did my part because He will always bless you on the other side if your heart wants to obey Him.
If you’d like to get started on learning how to manage conflict according to the Bible or if you’re needing more details and want to feel well-prepared for the conflict you’re sure to face, I encourage you to look up “The Peacemaker” materials by Ken Sande. His organization, Peacemaker Ministries, has done a lot of good. Our courts often bring them in to resolve conflict in high-net-worth families and such.
Jesus said, “As much as it’s possible, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with all people.” Isn’t it interesting? Jesus said that things impossible with men are possible with God, but then when it came to unity, He said, “As much as it depends on you, live at peace with all people.” Doing right doesn’t mean you’re going to solve the conflict every time. As much as it depends on you… But it sure makes our hearts feel a lot more like Jesus whenever we try to get along with our brothers and sisters in God’s family.
I was raised Catholic, and when I came to the faith, it caused some conflict in our family. I remember saying to my mom, “I’m sorry, Mom. I know how hard you’ve work to build a family, and I didn’t want to stand for the truth and cause issues in your family. I’m sorry for that.” It blessed her heart even though we saw things differently. And over the years, a lot of my family has now come to the same faith, and we are still praying for those who have not.
Being in unity with other believers is my heart. We want to serve pastors. We want to help pastors, their families, their leaders and their teams be stronger because of what we do here at Significant Church. Would you consider setting a lunch appointment with us every other Thursday at 1pm CST, 2pm EST, where you can join our Significant Leader Webinar (live via Zoom) and grow with us in the leadership ways of the Lord? To sign up for bi-weekly notifications, click here.
This blog was created using content from the webinar Navigating Conflict In Our Churches.
