Nobody likes conflict. Yet, it’s inevitable in life. As I’ve served as a pastor for over 30 years sometimes I’ve handled conflict well. Sometimes I’ve not. However, I’ve learned more about how to solve it Biblically from Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker, a book I’d recommend every ministry leader read. His book is filled with pure gold and I’ve modified below some of his insights with these three essentials necessary to resolving conflict well. I call them the 3-R’s of conflict resolution.
The 3-R’s of Conflict Resolution.
- Recognize your autopilot response to conflict.
- When a pilot flies a jet at high altitude on autopilot, he is passively piloting it. The computers take over with automatic non-thinking responses. In the same way, when we feel pressured or threatened by another in a conflict, we tend to act on autopilot without even thinking. Below I list eight F’s that describe unhealthy ways to resolve conflict. In this post I unpack these responses in more detail.
- Fight-Flee-Freeze-Fuse-Fixate-Fix-Flounder-Feed/ fornicate/ finances
- When a pilot flies a jet at high altitude on autopilot, he is passively piloting it. The computers take over with automatic non-thinking responses. In the same way, when we feel pressured or threatened by another in a conflict, we tend to act on autopilot without even thinking. Below I list eight F’s that describe unhealthy ways to resolve conflict. In this post I unpack these responses in more detail.
- Recast conflict as an opportunity to…
- ..honor God. 1 Corinthians 10.31 tell us to do everything for God’s glory and honor. Conflict provides a moment in time when we can honor or dishonor Him by our responses. The next time you face conflict, ask yourself if how you plan to respond will honor Him.
- …help others. Conflict can position us to be God’s healing agent toward another. If we respond well, we can model true grace to the other person.
- Realize the ultimate source of conflict: the human heart.
- James 4.1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” The word desires is the word we get hedonism from. It’s conflict that comes from our drive to satisfy ourselves at the expense of others. So, ultimately conflict is a heart issue. In the heart of us all is a drive to order our lives around ourselves and to do and get what we want. It is called sin. So since conflict is ultimately a heart issue, it takes a heart/spiritual solution, the power of the Holy Spirit to change us so that we handle conflict in a redemptive way.
Resolving conflict is never easy, but it’s not impossible.
Whether you are a leader or not, conflict will come your way. When it does, consider the 3 R’s as you seek to resolve it.
What has helped you resolve conflict?
